Caring for aging parents and yourself

As the older adults in your life age, here are some signs that indicate it’s time for you to help them with their healthcare and well-being:

• Changes in physical health: Pay attention to notable declines in physical abilities, such as difficulty walking, balancing, or performing daily tasks like dressing or bathing.
• Mental health concerns: Look for signs of increasing forgetfulness or confusion, or drastic changes in mood or behavior. These changes could indicate an illness, dementia, or depression.
• Home safety issues: Notice if the living environment becomes unsafe. Are you seeing unaddressed repairs, clutter that poses tripping hazards, or an inability for them to maintain cleanliness?
• Financial mismanagement: These issues may be harder to spot. But pay attention if you start to see unpaid bills, unusual spending, or financial decisions that seem out of character.
• Social withdrawal: Does your loved one seem less social? Look for decreased engagement with friends, family, or community activities. Failing to attend favorite social events may indicate mobility issues, health problems, or emotional distress.
• Neglected self-care: Failure to maintain personal hygiene can be a sign of physical difficulties or a lack of motivation. Poor self-care may mean it’s time to have a conversation about support.
• Inability to drive: Is your loved one scary when behind the wheel? Step in if they have slower reaction times, confusion while driving, or any recent accidents.
• Feedback from others: Listen to the concerns of your aging parent’s friends, neighbors, or family members. This can reinforce your suspicions that it’s time to offer additional support.

All the signs listed above indicate that an older adult you love needs help. But telling them they need help is another mountain to climb—especially if they’re stubborn or fiercely independent.

Here are some ways to delicately initiate conversations about stepping in as a caregiver:

• Educate yourself. Before introducing the subject, make sure you’re well informed about the various aspects of caregiving. Understand the physical, emotional, and cognitive needs that may be involved. Research resources and services available from the government and in your community that can support your caregiving efforts.
• Set clear expectations. Discuss what kind of help you can provide and what might be outside your capability. Be honest about what you are and aren’t comfortable with. This could include physical care, financial management, and legal responsibilities. Setting these boundaries early will help you prevent misunderstandings and stress later.
• Maintain respectful communication. When initiating the conversation, choose a time when both of you are attentive and relaxed. Speak with empathy and respect, acknowledging the difficulty of the situation for both of you. Use “I” statements to express your concerns without making your loved one feel accused or helpless. For example, say, “I’ve noticed some changes that concern me, and I want to make sure you have the support you need.”
• Discuss legal and financial responsibilities. Caregiving also involves important legal and financial considerations. This might involve getting power of attorney, reviewing healthcare directives, and discussing estate planning. It’s helpful to consult with legal and financial professionals to guide these discussions.
• Follow up. After the initial conversation, keep the lines of communication open. Regular check-ins show your loved one that you care and are in this for the long haul. It also allows the person you’re caring for to express any changes in their needs or concerns they might have about the arrangement.

• Find and secure support resources. Seek out local caregiver support groups, online forums, government programs, and community resources that provide advice and assistance. Consider looking into services like adult day-care centers, respite care, or professional in-home caregivers. Organizations like the Alzheimer’s Association and AARP also provide valuable resources and guidance to support younger caregivers.

• Prioritize self-care. Give yourself regular breaks—you deserve and need them. Schedule time to exercise, make well-rounded nutritional choices, and do activities that rejuvenate you. Do you like reading? Yoga? Running? Kayaking? Keep up with the activities that make you feel like you.

• Ask for help when you need it. Reach out to family members, friends, or professional services when you need support. Consider delegating tasks like grocery shopping, house cleaning, or even some of your caregiving duties so that you can manage other important aspects of your health and life.

• Establish boundaries. Set clear limits on what you can and can’t do. Be realistic with yourself. Communicate these boundaries to others involved in your loved one’s care. Knowing your limits can help prevent overcommitment and stress.

• Stay organized. Keep a detailed schedule that includes time for caregiving, work, personal activities, and rest. Use tools like calendars, apps, or planners to help you remember appointments and manage tasks.

• Maintain your social life. Schedule times to go out and have fun with family, friends, and co-workers. Also consider sharing your experiences with others who will lend a listening ear or who may even be going through something similar.